i dont like to fight.
no i dont.

i couldnt sleep last night. cause hearing someone's voice the way it was. i didnt think it was my fault. i dont know.

anyway, the fat boy didnt come to school. he is so dead.

i thought that the last time this happen, that it would not be happening again.
but i dont want to be treated this way by you.
i've had it for too long and too much.
you see, everyone has got a limit.
and you've hit mine a long time ago, but i kept raising the bar so as to accommodate to you.

its enough, it wouldnt be long before i really run away from you.

lets jump the track baby.
cause we know its just you and me.

shivers down my spine when i think about you.

see how much you affect me?

please do not mention sugar cane among certain people.
it might have radio active reactions.

okay, so the last time i took a neoprint was ages ago. and i long long forgotten how to do it now. so it take a neoprint on wednesday was a huge challenge. considering that you did it with a boyfriend who had no idea how to do any of this shit.
but the out come was good. i think.

i dont know why i posted this post.
i should eat shit and die.

maybe its a little too much to take in for the moment. i dont know.
everything is changing, i'm kind of lost.

i dont know the next action from here.
i have no idea what to do.

fuck, i hate being lost.

what would happen if he cheats on me? you asked.
honestly, i would have no idea. if i ended up like Bird. what would i do. i guess i wouldnt be as strong as she has been. i wouldnt even want to think about something like that. because it would just lead to doubts. i dont know how i can handle anymore doubts. seeing as i doubt almost everything about myself now. and well, he's something i dont want to have doubts in. yes, doubts do come in once in a while. questions like what if? if there were to be one more sin added to the list of the 7 deadly ones. doubt should be in one of them. when doubts kick in, you can go crazy and start to kill yourself. i dont know why i started on this.

i'll just die if you did.

you thought that things will be better time after time. that it'll be easier after each time. easier to give up. but everytime as single trace of hope appears, you cling on to it so hard that you crushed it using your own hands. then you create false hope. then you believed so hard in it. what if that hope shatters? what if it slips away from you? what if you have nothing left to hold on to?

what happens then?

okay. since LJ was being a bitch. so i decided to post my pictures here.
WARNING, IMAGE HEAVY.

i think its time to tell the world what boyfriend does during lessons. which is alot. he'll grow up to be a famous artist.






you know what?
since blogger and LJ are both being bitchy now.
i give up on uploading pictures.

you dont care in the first place.
so why do i have to bother?
you're just going to put the blame on me anyway.
saying that i'm the one who let the friendship go in the first place.
so it aint my problem anymore.
i dont give a damn.

like i told nesha, i miss making you guys laugh.

i'm vulgar because i fucking like it.
even if i curse like a sailor.

but hormones, dont fuck with my head. i dont like being mindfucked by myself.

dont like it. go see someone else's blog where they take pictures of their dicks and show the world.

I'm sorry God.
Amen.

mixed feelings.

i'm thrown way off course.

once i asked CS a question.
"trouble in paradise?"
but i think this question is truer for me than for him right now.
but lets not talk about this.
its simply wasting a good morning.

thursday was whack.
simply because i was lazy to go to school.
but i had someone to skip school and come over to my house :)
and we ordered mac.
and it seems that he had to be late for work.

friday was not as good but better.
okay, i dont know what i'm talking about.
bad cause i fought with my mother yet again.
good cause i got to spend time with my bestfriend.
pictures arent in though.

saturday was free movie day!
even though it was horrible cause i fought with boyfriend, well not really.
i was just upset.
but it got better,
and we had free food from Cine because of muzzy.
so we didnt need to spend money on food.
we went shopping for bra and panties for boyfriend.
okay, more like boxers and shirts.
we watched The Hottie and the Nottie, free tickets from muzzy.
it was a good movie even though Paris Hilton really can't act. the guy and the Nottie was really funny though. i cried at the end.

okay.
enough for a broing post.
i'll be back after genomics.

its more like unexpected on how things ended up.
sometimes second chances are what we needed exactly.
the second time around seemed to be the perfect thing to come by.

maybe i can't describe what i'm feeling inside.
since i'm a little lost for words for the past few weeks.
i dont know how to say what i feel.
even music cant express my intense emotions.

i would like to think that something is wrong with me.
but nothing's wrong.
and that is the problem.
nothing is wrong.
if being happy is wrong.
then i have no idea what to say.

you can all tell me that its not good.
its not the right time.
but its my decision.
and i'm happy with him.
i made a mistake of letting go once.
but i'm not going to do it again.
nothing can make me let go now.
nothing.

its joy.

i know it is.

i dont understand why i cant stand being without you.

and they say a picture speaks a thousand words.

reasons why i wanna do this.
because you said to know how much you love me.
all i need to do is to count the stars.

and stars are hope.

it hurts to see you like this.
when you keep pushing yourself over the boundaries.

you never listen.
whats the point?
it hurts me to see you like this.
it hurts me to see you hurting yourself.

i can't help but have an upsurge of feelings everytime i think about you.
i smile to myself like an idiot.
even though you're really smelly.

i havent felt this way in a long time.
its a good thing.

today is a horrible day.

sudden urge to not go to school anymore.

sorry for not telling you.
but you were quick to judge.
discrimination comes quick.
do i love him?
yes i do.
more than life itself.

i dont know how such things can happen to such good people.
kak kak just found out that her boyfriend of two years plus has another kid outside.
how is that even possible?
yeah, shit does happen.
she was going to marry him for goodness sake.
now he has to marry the mother of his child.
seeing her tears, my heart really breaks for her.
it really does.
she's really strong to be able to pull through all of this.
here is someone she really loves and now she has to see him go to someone else.
its going through worse than hell.

if that were to hapen to me.
i think i'll just kill myself.

kak,
you have the whole family here for you.
you got mak.
you have abang and kak.
you have your adek.
you have so many poeple who love you.
please.
stay strong for us.

i dont know what's happened to you.
you got into trouble with the law.
you got into trouble into family.
you shouldnt have made her cry.


stay strong.

i'm depressed.
way beyond depressed.

it just couldnt be mine now can it?

its all my wishful thinking.

i'm depressed.
way beyond depressed.

it just couldnt be mine now can it?

its all my wishful thinking.

i didnt expect to see her.
it caused something dormant to erupt.

fuck.

it was supposed to be a good day.
it was.

bye bye genomics.
hello medical microbiology.
why do i have the feeling that i'm going to fail?
i just dont have mood for school right now.
maybe later.

i'm having a tummy ache.
and i dont feel like working today.

somehow i feel like something's missing.
like some part of myself is gone.
i dont know how i'm supposed to say this.
but it is.
things i used to hold dear.
are now gone.
friends that i'd do anything for.
gone as well.
there's no time to do all these.
school, projects, work.
i dont have time for myself even.
how to have time for family?
friends?
him?
its like i'm inching deeper and deeper into breaking point.

okay. fuck this.

school is officially off to a bad start.
Genomics. is hell for everyone out there. i swear.

i was late for school.
because the train decided to stop.
the queue for the bus decided to be super long.
everything is just wrong.
the facilitator is jsut plain irritating.

god i want to die.

first day of class and im dying.

i just can't wait until the night.
cause he'll be home and i can finally end this misery.